Why self love has nothing to do with you.

Why self love has nothing to do with you.

Self love to me is an interesting term that regularly gets taken out of context. It’s like we become kids in a candy shop and our human desires and needs become the most important element. What do I mean by this? Well there is a line between what self love is and being narcissistic. Where we are taught in the ‘modern spiritual bypassing’ to go ‘within’, to love self first.

I agree with this to a level, however, there is a key element in these teachings that are missing. The ingredient of ‘spacial awareness of others and our environment’ otherwise we are a society of people looking within and having no consideration of the outer world because we get so absorbed in our ‘inner-verse’ and forget we are an intricate web of our uni-verse (one verse, one song).  We hear the spiritual wankery term of people saying ‘Oh that’s you’re shit, not mine’ We take no responsibility or compassion for others and become just a glorified version of selfishness under the guise of ‘being spiritual’.

What is love?

So before I dive into this, let’s look at love. The term love is another one taken out of context…for example ‘I LOVE chocolate, I LOVE food, I LOVE greens’ then we translate this term into relationships and because it is so trivialised, our expectations meet at this level and become a relationship expectation. Love isn’t about a wanting, needing or desiring. I have the deepest love for some special people in my life but I don’t NEED to be in their company or see them anymore. I know that letting them go with love means it is to love without needing, sitting in that paradox is somewhere a lot of people couldn’t compute, because we are so conditioned to want, to desire and to need.

So the practice begins with finding a space to really understand the term love and what it means to you. Can you practice a love without attachment, for example can you give something to someone without subconsciously looking for a thank you, can you do something for someone without the desire for connection, without the desire to be ‘seen’. Can you practice the art of being non important.

Can you now do this for yourself? How can you find love for yourself – without attachment, to allow yourself, your emotions, your feelings, to flow through you without beating yourself up? Can you care for yourself without asking why you need to do it? Can you listen to what your soul really needs in the silence of your own company? Sometimes when I am sad and I share it with people, I see their human self buying into a story of drama around it, when for me it’s exactly like feeling happy, it is just something that moves through me, we don’t look at someone that is joyful and think ‘oh no, they are happy, I hope that they are ok? I hope nothing is wrong’.

5 Self love tips

So here are 5 tips for you to explore in your self love journey

  • Your self love isn’t about ‘just’ you…if you find it hard to be kind to yourself, tell yourself you are a representative of the collective ‘feminine’ or ‘masculine’ or both, and know that any choice you make, you also impact the generations of women or men both past and present. You tip the scale of what it means to be love.
  • Each time you shower when drying parts of your body, tell that part how much you love it and you dry it. Give it compassion and love no matter what your body looks like, smile at it and imagine that part smiling back at you.
  • Listen to your self talk – what is it saying in each moment, what can you hear? Do you like what you hear? If not, pattern interrupt it with the word ‘change’ and think of something, someone or an experience that makes you smile, replace it with that.
  • It is by self forgetting the one finds – This is what I mean about getting to caught up in our story….someone, somewhere would want your life (remember that), and then find something kind to do for someone, when you forget about self and think about others this will shift your state of mind.
  • Love the darkness because it can show you the stars – Whilst the light guides us, it’s just as important to love the darker parts of ourselves, have a conversation with those parts and ask them what job they were doing? Often these parts are there to perceivably protect us, it thinks that it’s doing it’s job by protecting us from pain, harms way or hurt in someway. So instead of disliking these parts of you try and thank them for protecting you and appreciate them. The true power lies in knowing your darkness intimately but deciding not to feed it.